22 WEIRD & AWESOME MID-20TH-CENTURY TOYS I'D LIKE TO OWN (OR RE-OWN)

Puttering around on the interhaps today, I came across a site called Time Warp Toys, which as you might guess, resells old toys from the mid-20th-Century, which as you might guess, I LIKEY. I thought I'd share a few of them with you today, and who knows, maybe one or two will end up in your house. Again.

OK, I'm not too proud to admit that when I first saw this I got totally excited because it looked to me like that cowboy on a horse was fighting a brachiosaurus in a purple cape. It's just a Longhorn with a skinny tail. My eyes SUCK.

I'm not sure what kind of child would have played with these, but it looks like Dwight is pretty sure he's gettin' some from Mamie tonight.

This is "Suzy Smart Doll." HEY, SUZY, IF YOU'RE SO DAMN SMART, WHERE'S YOUR SHOES, HAH?

Since this Spirograph toy is from 1968 I should remember it, but I don't. Maybe it didn't sell well because people thought it was Spiro Agnew? I keep forgetting to name one of my pets or kids, "Spiro Agnew," dang.

You know and I know that today's kids would turn this into a meth lab. Hell in a handbasket, get off my lawn.

I think there's no question at all that Little Rusty there is going to very quickly smash into "TREE."

Um. Uh. Um. Uh. Wow. "Makes a lovely gift!" 

Remember the Anacin commercial where the Mom freaks out and screeches at her little boy? I think this is the toy that contributed to her nervous breakdown.

Every kid wants PSYCHO MONKEY watching them as they sleep at night.

Oh, the excitement on Christmas Morn! "Mommy, I got the new '007, SECRET LAND SURVEYOR' gun!"

OK. OK. Let me guess. This is the "they're heeeeeeere" movie kid, Mr. Rogers, and Ritchie Cunningham's mom? Yeah? Except that they've been bisected by 007, SECRET LAND SURVEYOR.

I had these when I was little, and loved them. If I had them now, I would take the whole box, throw it on the kitchen floor, and shout "KIDS! HEY! F-ING DINNER!"

I see this as another valid call-to-dinner device.

Hey, attach a handle and you have Best Purse Ever.

Uh oh. Santa brought this to the 007, SECRET LAND SURVEYOR kid, too. Keep an eye on Suzy Smart Doll.

How fast can you say "broken arm fall?" Paging Dr. Wibbler!

Confucius says: Child toot toot for one minute, then bash sister over head.

Well. Hmm. I gather from the name of the toy and the position of the riders, this causes one to defecate.

Straight outta Compton.

I didn't like Troll Dolls when I was a kid because I thought they were really ugly. But this album and the Scalped Troll Doll RULE.

Any decent devious baby knows the thing to do with this is open up the mouths and stuff them full of cheese from your lunch, wait until it rots and reeks, and then watch your parents desperately look in vain for the source of the smell.

And finally, for those Self-Loathing Introverts, the appropriately-named Awful-Optic Round Puzzle!