NERDS

I went to dinner last night next to a table of nerds. I was excited to see this live in nature. I was kind of giddy about it, but tried to be not too nerdish in my excitement, in case I would blow my cover and they would spot me and offer me a seat. I have to keep my observational distance. The party, made up of two young men and two young women, quietly ate their Mexican food, and sometimes snorted a little and giggled, which I think counted as a “total party riot” in Nerdworld.

It was even better than it normally would’ve been because it was the birthday of one of the nerds. He was a Nebbish Nerd, with messy short curly black hair, an indifferently-groomed beard, black heavy glasses, and a bright red t-shirt with a bleach stain. He was short and skinny and hunched over the table like he was constantly looking for a contact. He seemed to never quite look anyone in the eye. His eyes darted back and forth like a pigeon trying to cross the street. Not that I have really been that close to the eyes of a pigeon crossing the street.

Sitting next to him was a chunky girl with strawberry-blonde hair, oddly pulled back so it looked like she had a small Star Wars ship on her head. She wore an oversized black Rocky Horror Picture Show t-shirt and unflattering pants. She seemed very passive and bland, and put her hand over her mouth when she laughed or smiled. I felt very strongly her asexuality.

Across from her was the other nerd girl, fine-boned with thick dark hair pulled back into a ponytail, who was just thisclose to being cute, except for a face-ruining beak and a lazy eye. She seemed to enjoy raising her glass frequently into the air, but never said anything as she did it. Way up, then down. Maybe it was a tic.

Next to her was a Pudgy Nerd, the kind of guy who will never enjoy clothes shopping because he will always be surrounded by a pillowy cloud of jiggly white paunch. He wore a puke green polo shirt, also had heavy nerd glasses and curly unformed hair, and seemed terrifically uncomfortable in his chair, constantly shifting and hunched over and rocking. Perhaps he had terrible hemorrhoids from never leaving his computer chair. Or maybe he was really excited to be next to and across from A GIRL, and had issues about that. You know what I am saying.

Of course, it had to occur that a group of scarily-cheerful wait staff arrived to make a tremendous amount of noise to announce that it was Nebbish Nerd’s birthday. He smiled bleakly, and hunched over even more, until his chest was touching the table. His face turned as red as his shirt, until he looked like a small black-haired volcano. I was hoping he would throw up or cry or pee himself, but I was disappointed. Although I could not actually verify that he did not pee himself. Let’s say that he did, then. Just a wee bit. Heh.

I am glad that the Nerds were able to band together to enjoy a meal and celebrate the birth of one of their own. I ceremonially clean my glasses toward them, and say good on ya. I think Nebbish Nerd and Beak Face Bad Eye will eventually marry and produce dark-haired children with high IQ’s and halitosis. Pudgy Nerd and Rocky Horror No-Sex Girl will awkwardly kiss one day, decide it was far too embarrassing to continue, and instead form a technology company that will do well enough to afford them some overly-complicated digital watches, a canoe that will never once be in the water, some unfashionable sneakers, plus a Corvette.

Not too bad.