SAFEWAY 2

“DELLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? CAAAWWWWWWWLLLLLL HOLDING ON LINE WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN? DELLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE? LINE WUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN?”

Oh, The Customer Service Girl was on FIRE today at the Safeway. There were lots and lots of calls for the dellllllllllllleeeeeeee, Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllll, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat, Baaaaaakereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, and a good three calls for Debbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I spent most of my shopping time throwing things in my cart and copying her and smiling really big. A young produce dude said HI to me, as he is made to do, and I almost asked him if the employees wanted to throw apples at Customer Service Girl's head. Her voice, is like a nauseating ocean liner -- up and down and up and down and draaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggeddddddddd until every passenger -- the shoppers and workers -- must puke over the side. If I worked there, every time she got on the PA system I would leave whatever I was doing and run to stand in front of her, just staring blankly. When she finished, I would leave without further acknowledgment.

So, I am at the checkout with Frazzled Middle-Aged Mom Checkoutress With Pink Pink Cheeks, and I hear Customer Service Girl start up on a blurb about Safeway's Special On Delicious Washington State Cherries. I look up. THERE SHE IS! Right behind the desk, reading from a piece of paper in front of her face. OMG! I don't know exactly what I imagined her to look like, but the reality was good enough. She was a young girl of maybe 25 or so, and the first thing that came to my mind was that she looked like a character from Little House On The Prarie. She was ghostly grey pale with no makeup, with very long wavy dark brown hair, parted down the middle, thin and slightly gaunt. She was wearing some sort of plain dress that reminded me of the Texas polygamist cult women -- shapeless and sexless and designed to please no eye on the planet. I completely forgot about my purchase -- my $317 damn food prices purchase -- and just watched her go, standing alone, reading into her microphone. Up and down and uuuuuupppppp and dowwwwwwwwwwwnnnn, scorching my ears and making my brain twist.

"Ma'am? Safeway card?" The Frazzled Middle-Age Checkoutress with the Now Red Cheeks gave me a slight LOOK. Maybe she asked me more than once, I don't know. I said oh SORREEEE, and paid up. By the time I finished, Customer Service Girl had vanished. Where did she go? I never ever see her behind the counter helping anyone. Does she just sit somewhere in the back and wait, knitting or something, until someone prods her with a stick and tells her to go announce something? Maybe she lives there all the time, and wanders out into the aisles at 4AM, talking to the beeeeeeeeeeeeeans and the fruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuit and the cereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal and the porrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk, like a ghost from a failed Michael Landon spin-off series, Safeway to Heaven.

I would make damn sure to shop at that time if it were so.