MONKEYS

I DON'T LIKE 'EM.

Is that bad to say? I don't think I am alone. I don't care for monkeys, apes, chimps, baboons, nit-riddled primates, any of them.I DON'T TRUST 'EM.

I realize they are our closest animal relatives, and are bright, clever, resourceful, and mindful. But they creep me out. They didn't used to. When I was a kid I thought monkeys were cool, and it would be the coolest to have one. You could train it to do stuff for you, like clean your room, or turn the TV channel so you didn't have to get up to do it, or weed the garden. How I hated weeding the garden. Goddamn vegetables anyway. You could take your monkey to school, and you would be the awesomest kid ever. The monkey could perch on your shoulder, or maybe even have its own little desk where it could draw monkey pictures, which you could then sell to your classmates for a buck each on the playground at recess. If you weren't ready with a homework assignment you could get your monkey to cause a distraction, like swing from the ceiling lights, or pee on the floor, or mock the teacher by making amusing faces. All of this would have been very good, had it been possible.

But I am not as delusional as our friend Michael "WTF Is That??" Jackson, and never actually purchased a monkey. I realized that monkeys were not so good. They were sour and jittery and could rip my arm off in one second for no good reason at all. I like my monkeys to be stable and non-violent, and I think this is just not realistic. I also do not want to clean up monkey diapers, nor attempt at all to wipe a monkey butt. If monkeys are so smart, how come you can't train them to poop and pee in the toilet? Well, maybe you can, but I don't actually want to Google that or even think about it.

Monkeys seem pissed off to me all the time. I don't blame them. They have enough cognition of things to realize that stuff sucks, but not the abstraction to realize that things will get better, like with kids. Monkeys are like edgy little preschoolers, ready to tantrum up a storm if you don't get them a damn banana fast enough. I don't need that! NO MONKEYS FOR ME, THANKS.

The only one I ever really liked was Koko, the sign-language-speaking gorilla. I am impressed with any animal who effectively communicates with another species in a form of English. Koko is a fascinating creature, who gives us great insight into the mental workings and emotions of gorillas, as important as going to the moon, really, in the profound meaning of it. But still, I would not really want to have Koko, primarily because she could crush me to death and also win a stare-down contest. I wonder if someday Koko will sign to her handlers, "Holy shit! I could've had a V-8!"

I feel better for venting about monkeys. On a site called "Diarrhea Island." TRY THAT, YOU DIRTY APES!

Here's some dubious use of chimpanzees for cheap entertainment: