OSCARS

I wish all the award acceptees were wired with small remote control electrical charges that would start beeping at the 20 second point into a speech, then deliver a taser-like jolt at 45 seconds.

Also, anyone with a gown as heinous as Beyonce's tonight would be stripped and handed a Hefty bag and duct tape.

As well, anyone mentioning their political cause would have a load of manure dumped on them as a small troupe of underprivileged children would dance around and sweep the leavings offstage.

Anyone thanking God for their Hollywood statuette should have a giant brown boot kick them in the ass.

All non-winners would get cream pies in the face as the winner is announced.

It would be illegal to win an Emmy for an Oscar broadcast.

Anyone using the words "our industry" would be immediately put in a Hummer, and driven off the Santa Monica Pier.

One second past the proper ending time of the broadcast, release the hounds. And killer bees. And ricin.



I have clearly missed my calling as a producer. Best show ever.