RUINER

I have been strongly circling around the idea of attending a major rock festival this year to try to see some of the new bands I am interested in. It makes sense for me to try it, because it is often impractical for me to get to the many Seattle weekday club shows. Well, to be fair, weekends are hard too. It's just hard. Anyway, that doesn't stop me from wanting to see some good live music. I very much wanted to try to attend the recent Coachella festival in Californee, but that did not work out. There's Sasquatch here in Washington, but it is a drive and camping thing; again, just impractical for me. Bonnaroo, Lollapallooza, Pitchfork, Bumbershoot...which one or ones to pick? All the indie bands seem to do nothing but go from festival to festival all year, so I should have a pretty decent chance of seeing several of my favorites by throwing a dart and picking any one of them.

But cruel reality reminded me of something. I got a heads-up presale email for the local Capitol Hill Block Party festival this summer, so I went to their site to check out the line-up of bands and the general info, and found this guy there:



Yes, it's THE RUINER. You see him there, don't you? Yes, yes, that guy in the middle with no shirt who looks like a monkey anus. This is the guy who is at every single f-ing festival or concert I go to, and he makes it all SUCK. Let's list why:

-- armpits reek of onion and rat, sauteed for hours over a smoldering garbage fire

-- no shirt means the onion/rat smell is wafted over several city blocks, and that his copious concert sweat flings on everyone, and that you are likely to get a face-full of his armpit hair and wish to die on the spot

-- yells almost non-stop at the band, even when there is no music playing or the band members are talking, often about nothing having to do with the band

-- is seriously drunk or high, wobbles and lurches, knocks people down and then says OH SORRY MAN AH HA HA HA I'M FUCKED UP AS HELL RIGHT NOW! WOO!

-- may vomit beer and a giant burrito mixed with cotton candy anywhere on anyone at anytime with no warning

-- will light several cigarettes, burning people on the back of the neck or ass

-- will hit on any female with discernible breasts

-- will push through the crowd holding two enormous beers, spilling 80% on people as he goes

-- may also remove pants, causing crowd to panic and move like frightened sheep

The Ruiner is not a music lover; he is a filthy boor and should stay in a Chinese restaurant dumpster with a cracked Walkman rather than come out and crap all over everyone else. Fuck you, sir.

That said, I did not buy Block Party tickets. I may go, but may invest in a wetsuit and breathing gear beforehand. Ain't no one gonna ruin nothin' no mo' fo' Mama. See you out there somewhere this summer.