HA 13

I wish I had written this, HA HA! Gratefully reposted from
http://www.nationalcynical.com/words/depressed.html

Guide to Being Depressed and Miserable

1. Isolate yourself. Pull down the shades and don't let any light in. Don't answer the phone. Take off all your clothes and just stay inside and don't talk to anyone. Lay on the floor of your closet and weep softly. Don't shave for 3 days, then stare in the mirror at your own bloated, pasty, bleary-eyed expression.

2. Fixate on negative things. Television is a good source for this. Watch TV news programs all the time. Tape the most disturbing ones and watch them again and again. Fixate on 'mistakes' you've made in the past, or painful childhood memories. Cultivate a sense of self-hatred. Start a collection of disturbing pornographic images and look at them obsessively. Wallow deeply and steep yourself in your own emotional diarrhea.

3. Cultivate a sense of meaninglessness. Take up wall-staring as a hobby. Take a bath and then spend an hour or two staring at the bathtub drain as you listen to the sound of our own breathing. Pound your head rhythmically against the cold white refrigerator door as you moan plaintively. Lay in bed in a fetal position and rock back and forth. Pass out with your head underneath the toilet bowl. Watch Pink Floyd--The Wall obsessively and listen to NIN's 'The Downward Spiral' simultaneously. Try to always think of life as a swirling, sucking eddy of absurd despair punctuated by brief moments of false hope.

4. Alienate others. Ask questions but don't listen to the answers. Become immersed in your own inner little world. Act rude and insensitively and then blame the consequences on other people or better yet, take it as evidence of your own lack of worth. Randomly cross clearly drawn personal boundaries. Lose all sense of appropriateness. Lose your temper unpredictably or weep uncontrollably in order to manipulate others. Hate yourself for doing this. Then, beat yourself up for hating yourself.

5. Sleep all the time. Get a good 20 hours of sleep a day. This way you won't have to deal with a painful life and only have to deal with the world of dreams and fantasies. Remember, your bed is your friend and will always sustain and comfort you unlike the cruel outside world.

6. Avoid all physical activity. Again, staying in bed is good for this. Try to stay on your back at all times. Lying on the floor is acceptable too. Get a good fetal position going. Whine pathetically to yourself. Watch more violent television programming. Keep the TV remote control by the bed at all times so you won't have to get up and look for it.

7. Eat poorly. In a 24 hour period eat only a half spoonful of peanut butter, some jelly, and two gulps of water. Spend the rest of the time sleeping. Eat all your meals at fast food places, ordering the unhealthiest thing on the menu. Eat hot dogs from 7-11 for all your meals. Avoid salads. Drink as little water as possible, it will only cause you to have to get out of bed to urinate.

8. Whenever possible, cultivate a sense of fear in your life. Be sure to obsessively imagine the most violent and disturbing outcome to any situation. Routinely imagine escape routes in case an armed maniac starts shooting at you. Freak yourself out! Contact all your friends and tell them you are freaking out then feel guilty and unworthy of the attention they give you. Be hard on yourself! And encourage others to be hard as well.

9. Think about death a lot. Rent 'Faces of Death' videos. Watch more violent television programming. Try to look at life as a violent and painful experience at the end of which is just a meaningless and probably excruciating death. Think about this a lot. Talk about suicide and disturbing things in order to alienate others (see #4). Check out books on violence, torture and serial murder from the library until the librarians give you strange looks. Work on your will.

10. Always pick the hardest way to do something. Set yourself up for failure. Cultivate a 'will to fail'. If it looks like you are going to actually succeed, be sure to somehow sabotage your own efforts at the last minute. Use your failure as further proof to yourself that you are a worthless loser. Repeat the words "I'm so stupid" to yourself over and over and over while grimacing and punching yourself in the head.

11. Lose all sense of personal hygiene. Don't bathe until a grey cheeselike substance forms on your skin. Shave once a week, and then onlly without using shaving cream or aftershave. Throw your deodorant away. Remember, if you make yourself physically attractive it will only attract people who will then see what a horrible person you are. Use other people's avoidance of you as evidence of your own worthlessness.

12. Concentrate on your faults. Look in the mirror closely. Focus on every bump, zit, wrinkle, or nick you have on your face. Look at how skinny you are, or how fat. If something is less than perfect be sure to focus all your attention on that and think about it constantly. Think obsessively about every stupid thing you do or have ever done. Enlist the help of others and then feel unworthy of it. Drive yourself into a nervous breakdown.

13. Quit your job, stay home and jack off. Masturbate obsessively and feel guilty for doing so. Be sure to think all manner of disturbing thoughts and then use this as proof that you are worthless and deranged. Stop taking any care of your personal surroundings. Spend plenty of time in your messy and slovenly environment. Remember always, You Are A Bad Person. Bad bad bad bad BAD!