BITE ME, TRUCK CHICK

Sometimes my little driving jaunts around my suburban Seattle-ish are almost tolerable. Usually those are on sunny clear days (rare from September – June), when the traffic is light (mid-morning on weekdays), and when I am not already incredibly irritable. The best road for me is one that no one else is on, always.

So let’s check today’s Tolerability Index, shall we? Sunny and clear? Why, yes. Light traffic? Oh no, it’s rush hour. Irritable? All three kids home today while I attempt to pack for our trip tomorrow with Mr11 doing an EPIC WHINE about his entire summer homework he now must BEGIN AND FINISH IN ONE DAY? What do you think?

Adding to this, in the traffic in right front of me was a black pickup truck jacked up so high that MissSix could probably walk underneath it. Decaled on the back window was the classy slogan, “BITE ME, CITY GIRL.” But even worse was that Miss Hee Haw had silver mirrored mudflaps that kept catching the intense late-day sun, sending SERIOUSLY BLINDING RAYS INTO MY EYES. No kidding, either – I couldn’t SEE ANYTHING and now as I sit here typing in my car waiting for Mr11 to finish martial arts class, I have these floating purple spots going on.

Is it so wrong to hope as she farts down the road in her dumb vehicle that when she goes to light her 40th cigarette of the day, she takes her eyes off the road for a second? And in that second the city bus in front of her slams on its brakes? And that as she gasps in surprise both her burning lighter and cigarette are sucked down her windpipe? And that she then panics and swerves to avoid smashing into the bus? And that as she swerves her truck topples over due to its high center of gravity? And that when it topples she is covered with the beer cans and leftover fast food and filthy ashtray remains from her truck cab? And that as she is choking and upside-down and has old French fries in her hair and Coors Lite soaking her jeans and ashes all over her face that her stomach hits the steering wheel which effectively delivers the Heimlich maneuver? And that then the lighter and the cigarette are forcibly expelled from her mouth outside onto the road? And that then a policeman comes by and tickets her $500 for littering?

Well, IS IT?