Ya know, when you have an internet site that sells everything one could imagine, including an MP3 of “If I Were Zooey Deschanel,” you still can’t imagine what everything really means. If there is an idea of any kind for a product, any at all (see aforementioned novelty song), by god, someone somewhere will manufacture it and get it out there somehow. This was thoroughly underlined to me as I happened upon a subsection of the Amazon website, called, “wtf.” This is completely real, and I was completely delighted, horrified, and amused to view some of the items Amazon customers had placed in this category. I thought I would share a few with you here, because the internet is all about sharing and product-hawking. Please to enjoy.
The most-tagged item in Amazon’s “wtf” by far is this apparently-self-published tome: BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! by Eliyzabeth Anderson.
Ah, yes. There is nothing quite like vigorous, caps-locked religious ranting. For only $135.00 you too can read the author's emphatic views on salvation, sex, and sinners. Here, in her own caps, are her book description and author bio:
THIS IS A HOLYSPIRIT MANUSCRIPT BOOK: WHEN YOU BUY THIS BOOK YOU WILL BE READING A HOLYSPIRIT DIRECTED BOOK FROM GOD; & *CHRIST JESUS. THIS BOOK IS GODS HOLYSPIRIT VOICE: THE CALL FOR ALL CHRISTIANS & CHURCHES TO REPENT FROM ALL THEIR SINS: EVEN FROM FALSE CHRIST TEACHINGS. BIRTH CONTROL SINS HAVE CURSE THE CHURCH WITH SPIRITUAL WHOREDOM & FALSE WORSHIP. RESULTING IN THE PERSECUTIONS: AGAINST THE HOLY PEOPLE. THIS BOOK MAY BE REVISED: BECAUSE OF COMPUTER DICTATORS: MANY WORDS IN THIS BOOK: MADE HAVE BEEN CHANGED: TO>>DISCREDIT: THE AUTHOR. BUT IN TRUTH: I AM A HOLYSPIRIT CHOSEN ANOINTED DISCIPLE FOR GOD & CHRIST JESUS. EVEN FOR JEWS, MUSLIMS & GENTILE SINNERS. MANY PEOPLE WILL LEARN HOW TO> BECOME REAL BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN: THROUGH THIS HOLYSPIRIT BOOK & THROUGH THE PROTECTION & SUPPORT OF MY HOLYSPIRIT LIFE!! JOHN 3 & 15. ALL NATIONS WILL OVER COME THE SINS OF BIRTH CONTROL. *BECAUSE HOLY DOMINIONSHIP IS ONE OF THE FIRST COMMANDMENT IN GENESIS 1;26-31. ALL BELIEVERS: WILL COME TO A HOLY VOW OF REPENTANCE: THROUGH GODS RESTORATION & THROUGH GODS ADOPTION VOWS. YES!! THE KINGDOM OF GOD & HEAVEN!! IS AT HAND!! FOR ALL WHO BELIEVE IN THE ONE CREATOR GOD & CHRIST JESUS OUR HOLYSPIRIT ETERNAL LIFE SAVIOR: SURELY YOUR NAMES WILL BE WRITTEN IN THE LAMBS BOOK OF LIFE!! *WHEN YOU SUPPORT & PROTECT MY HOLYSPIRIT LIFE. WE ARE BRANCHES >JOHN 15 MY WEBSITE: http://groups.msn.com/ChristianPowerHealthProsperityAndSoulREMEMBER: GOD HAS MADE ME A HOLYSPIRIT VOICE FOR THE BRIDE OF GOD & CHRIST JESUS IN 1996 GOD TOLD ME TO TEACH THE GOSPEL ON CABLE TELEVISION IN TUCSON ARIZONA. *CONCERNING THE SINS OF THE CHURCHES: & CONCERNING THE>LACK OF GIVING TO THE POOR & ORPHANS: CHRISTIAN CHURCHES SHOULD: BUILD MORE:> WATER WELLS: & BUILD LOW INCOME HOUSINGS: MATTHEW 25 & ISAIAH 61
MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG IS A CHRISTIAN EVANGELIST SPEAKER: AND A CHRISTIAN HOLY BIBLE WRITER/TEACHER: CHOSEN AND CALLED BY THE HOLYSPIRIT GOD: MS. ELIYZABETH STARTED TWO CHRISTIAN CABLE TELEVISION PRODUCTIONS IN 1996: CALLED: CHRISTIAN POWER! HEALTH PROSPERITY AND SOUL!! AND > ALSO A: > TEENAGER AND KIDS TELEVISION PRODUCTION CALLED:> CHILDREN RAISED IN THE LOVE OF JESUS. *SHE ALSO STARTED A CHRISTIAN BASE MILITARY CHRISTIAN BOOKSTORES AND MALL CART BUSINESS DURING IN 1991. ALL THREE CHRISTIAN MINISTRIES ARE > NOW ONLINE CHRISTIAN WEBSITES UNDER THE NAMES: http://christianpowerbookstores.spreadtheword.com/ **http://group.msn.com/ChristianPowerHealthProsperityAndSoul ALSO>http://groups.msn.com/ChildrenRaisedInTheLoveOfJesus *MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG: ALSO HAS A 1ST DEGREE BLACK BELT IN TAEJUKENPO KARATE: SHE STARTED A KIDS & TEEN: KARATE MEMBERSHIP & TV CLUB: CALLED: KARATE PLAY: IN 1996-2000: SHE IS NOW: STARTING: RECREATION CITY KARATE CLASSES IN TUCSON ARIZONA: WITH GOALS TO OFFER PRIVATE MEMBERSHIP KARATE CLUB CLASSES. MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON: ALSO PETITION FOR THE MAYOR SEAT IN TUCSON ARIZONA IN 1998. BECAUSE OF ORGANIZED CRIMES, POLICTICAL RACISM AND CHRISTIAN PERSECUTION AGAINST ELIYZABETH: HOLYSPIRIT EVANGELIST LIFE: IN THE PAST 10 YEARS: GOD HAS DIRECTED MS. ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON: TO WRITE THIS BOOK OF REMEMBRANCE, AND THIS BOOK OF REPENTANCE: TO HELP SAVE THE WORLD: THROUGH GOD AND CHRIST JESUS: IF YOU BELEIVE: YOU CAN RECIEVE JOHN 3:3-16. *REMEMBERING: MATTHEW 4:17-26: JESUS SAID: REPENT! THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND: **COME AND FOLLOW ME: AND I WILL MAKE YOU FISHERS OF MEN!! MY FIRST CHRISTIAN BOOK IS DIRECTED BY GOD: AND THE TRUE CALL TO ETERNAL LIFE SALVATION IS IN IT: GIVEN TO ME FROM: EMMANUEL CHRIST JESUS: > JESUS SAID: JOHN 14:15-16 If ye love me, keep my commandments.
I don't mean at all for you to even attempt to read all that, but just look at it there. LOOK. LOOK AT ALL THOSE EVANGELICAL CAPITAL LETTERS! I bet you she sounds just like that, all day long. On second thought, do read through it, just for the typing anomalies and enjoyable insanity. Just think: 648 pages of that. Perhaps Ms. Eliyzaieieiaieibeth would like to sit down with fellow Christian author Sheila K. Butt to discuss her book, "Does God Love Michael's Two Daddies?"
But they'd probably get into a fight and then they'd have to use these:
Further on, my eye stops dead on this:
Ohhhhh, dear. WTF is certainly my first thought. What is it? It looks like it should be on a protest sign outside Planned Parenthood. But no, it is in fact Fresh Whole Rabbit. Ahhh, jeez. I like my meat less skinned-animal-looking. Fluffy, we hardly knew ye.
A lot of people like buying Christmas decorations. Did you know that? They do, a lot. That is why you see year-round stores dedicated to nothing but Christmas ornaments and Santa figurines. My god, what a nightmare it would be to work in one of those places. You'd have to sit there and listen to CHRISTMAS MUSIC all day long every single day of your life while holiday-obsessed weirdos came in and bought something like this:
What does the Taco Ornament say about you and your Christmas tree? That you just LOVE Mexican food and you want to let Donner, Blitzen, and Jesus know about it? If so, you are SOL at Amazon; they are currently sold out. The Magic Answer-Me Jesus is also sold out, otherwise he could have told you that.
Off to the creepy Christmas store with you then, amigo.
When you finish your reading your books, nomming on your rabbit carcass, and decorating your tree, you might enjoy spending some time playing with these objects:
The UFO Detector:
The Acupuncture Pig Model:
Inflatable Toast:
or, if you are feeling a bit bloated from all that rabbit, the Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit:
During your lengthy recovery at home, I know you will enjoy looking over the Amazon goodies in "wtf," and remember, wolf urine doubles as a great antiseptic.
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman