ARE YOU OLD?

Don’t ask your doctor, don’t look in the mirror, don’t go try to find your birth certificate. Take my quiz, answer honestly, and I will let you know. If you wanna know.

These are all simple yes or no questions. Let’s begin.

1. Do other people tell you regularly that the volume on your TV is TOO LOUD?

2. Do you often block the supermarket aisle with your cart, and are completely surprised when you see several people waiting to get around you?

3. Have you purchased and/or actively listened to no new music since your teens or 20s?

4. Have you not danced in at least 10 years, even by yourself in the bathroom?

5. When you are driving, do you decline to use your directionals and just slowly drift wherever you would like to go?

6. Do you take an increased interest in the state of your lawn?

7. Do you routinely fall asleep in a chair in the evening, wake up around midnight and go to bed, and then get up for the day around 5AM?

8. Do you find yourself talking about your medical issues or your friends’ medical issues more than 70% of the time?

9. Do you become very upset when your favorite jeans, sneakers, or makeup items that you have used for the past 20 years are finally discontinued, and then are compelled to go on a quest to hunt them down at Ebay or the Dollar Store?

10. Have you not changed your hairstyle in the last 5 years?

11. If you bend down past the waist, do you hear pops, or can you not bend that far?

12. Do you write out checks at the grocery store?

13. Do you not know how to send a text message or play a videogame?

14. Do you have more hair in your ears, nose, and upper lip than on your head?

15. Gray pubes?

16. Do you think the world is going to hell in a handbasket?

17. Do you write letters of complaint to newspapers, government officials, and businesses?

18. If you attempt to do more than one thing at a time, do you have a mini-stroke?

19. Do your pants and/or underwear come up past your belly button?

20. Do you like to eat dinner at 4PM?

21. Do you make a list so you don’t forget things, then forget where you put the list?

22. Do you vote?

23. Do you drive a large Lincoln sedan or another vehicle that is referred to as a “land yacht?”

24. Do you need reading glasses?

25. Do cruises, crafting, early-bird buffets, a rub-down with Ben Gay, or senior junkets to Atlantic City sound like fun to you?

All done. Give yourself one point for every “yes” answer.

0-5 points: You are practically fetal, you shiny new penny.

6-10 points: Age is creeping in, although you might bop your head to some music on commercials now and then.

11-15 points: If you aren’t in the middle of a mid-life crisis now, it’s going to be arriving in the form of a shiny new Corvette or 100 units of Botox soon.

16-20 points: You are old. Not a little old, like OLLLLLLLLD.

21-25 points: You are already dead and viewing this from Hell, which is located in Handbasket, New Jersey.