Today I was listening to KEXP, finishing up getting dressed to go out in the chilly sunshine. I had not forgotten what day it was – the day John Lennon was killed – but I had set it aside, thinking about my day and all the small rattle-y details of things to do that fill up my mind like multi-colored stale gumballs in a decrepit penny dispenser machine. The radio was playing some beep bop boop electronica track, I went in my closet to get my clothes on, and then Lennon’s “Jealous Guy” came on. I stood for a moment and listened and, with some surprise, burst into tears. I didn’t indulge that for long – after all, those gumballs all need to be chewed and spat out, one by one.
It’s such a beautiful song, surely one of Lennon’s finest, and arguably his best. It is sparse but not cold; terribly sad, but not maudlin. It is a showcase for his remarkable gift in marrying an absolutely lovely melody with heart-wrenchingly honest lyrics:
I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy
I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy
I was trying to catch your eyes
Thought that you was trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
Oh no, I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy, watch out
I'm just a jealous guy, look out babe
I'm just a jealous guy.
That’s a bit hard to watch now, but I can and do. I am always especially thrilled to see artists at work, and to know the process behind what they do. I didn’t know until many years after the song was released in 1971 and more unreleased material began to surface that “Jealous Guy” began its song life with completely different lyrics – “Child of Nature,” originally intended for the Beatles’ 1968 “White Album.”
On the road to Rishikesh,
I was dreaming more or less,
And the dream I had was true,
Yes, the dream I had was true.
I'm just a child of nature,
I don't need much to set me free,
I'm just a child of nature,
I'm one of nature's children.
Sunlight shining in your eyes,
As I face the desert skies,
And my thoughts return to home,
Yes, my thoughts return to home.
Underneath the mountain ranges,
Where the wind that never changes,
Touch the windows of my soul,
Touch the windows of my soul.
I felt a bit disappointed when I found this out. I guess I had assumed that “Jealous Guy” was written all in one go, straight from the soul to paper and piano, some brilliant natural marriage of music and emotion. But that wasn’t exactly the case. “Child of Nature” was scrapped in favor of McCartney’s “Mother Nature’s Son,” that being the better song. There’s nothing too insightful or remarkable about Lennon’s musings there from his India trip; they come off of blandly hippie and self-consciously poetic. But because he was a professional, he knew that he had a really good melody and construction it in, and saved it until the right words came along. It was a disciplined and admirable move on his part, although it is also possible that he too found the old lyrics trite after some time had passed and/or it had been published as a Lennon/McCartney track with Northern Songs. Professionals also must be aware of Business.
In the end, Lennon’s “Jealous Guy,” although not a hit single, became a song that resonated very deeply with millions of fans. The melody rises and floats and grounds again effortlessly, adding a feeling of hope and redemption to the shame and regret and sad self-awareness of the lyrics. The singer knows his faults all too well, knows he probably will repeat them, but is able to at least, once, say how very sorry he is for what he has done. Lennon was able to put to music something so many have felt yet were unable to say, giving those listeners so much more than a piece of pop. That’s a kind of genius or gift or skill, something that added to the world.
December 8th will always be a tough day for me and so many others who were touched by John Lennon through his music, but how and when he died must not ever be a focus. He was an imperfect man who was able at times to perfectly express human emotion of all kinds – joy, sadness, anger, pain, love, everything – which is why his work will remain relevant, long past his death and mine and yours and maybe even the super race of robot gumball machines that will take over the earth someday. Yes, maybe even past that.
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman