HEY, ASH-HOLES!

Hey, air travelers in Austria, Belgium, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, most of France, most of Germany, Hungary, Ireland, northern Italy, the Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Romania, Serbia, Slovenia, Slovakia, Sweden, Switzerland, Ukraine and the United Kingdom! Having some fun there already? Only the most ruthless and travel-savvy of you stranded in foreign lands because of the belching Eyjafjallajokull glacier in Iceland may have already gotten home or closer to it because you didn’t wait for the skies to clear – you cleaned out an ATM, grabbed your bags, and were first in line to book a train, bus, or ferry, pushing aside stunned school groups, families with young children, grandmas in wheelchairs, and the hesitant and/or hopeful. A Famous Amusing Person Who Recently Did A Comedy Tour To Replenish His Divorce-Depleted Portfolio crapped out a few golden eggs and hired a private cab to gently speed him back to the land of his birth. But most travelers do not crap gold, and they do not have the money to hire a car or an elephant or an air-conditioned rickshaw to return home. For as long as the skies hang with teeny tiny bits of rock, glass, and sand, you are simply stuck. Iceland has turned you all into Ash-holes.

If I were there, I’d come by with freshly baked brownies for you all, but I’m here in Seattle waiting for an earthquake or something. So here are ten ideas to while away the time in the airport or train station or bus station, while John Cleese thumbs his nose at you all from the back of his luxurious Norwegian taxi, filled with delicious fermented trout, grovbrød, and akvavit, while lusty Scandinavian fur bikini models snuggle against his lanky frame in the backseat.

1. Figure out how many words you can make from Eyjafjallajokull. Ask your fellow strandees to chime in with their own languages. Winner gets to scream in impotent rage while the rest of you clap in admiration.

2. Fashion diapers out of old newspapers, stolen garbage can liners, and forgotten belts taken off at security for the reeking sodden-panted babies nearby. Everyone benefits.

3. Take photos of drooling sleeping people on the airport floor and post them to Twitter or Facebook.

4. Take a Nigerian bank up on their kind offer of monetary assistance.

5. Start a rumor that it’s not a volcano in Iceland causing the problem, it’s your brother-in-law’s filthy Weber grill.

6. Start an Airport Idol or Dancing With The Pilots show by the airport bar, record on your cell phone and up it to YouTube. Only Bjork or Sigur Ros songs, please.

7. Convince a wealthy local that you are long-lost family, and move in. Cry in joy a lot, then eat all their food and watch their plasma TV.

8. Locate a rare airport electrical outlet so you can charge your phone/computer; charge others money to use it. Get one of the cobbled-up diapers so you don’t have to leave the outlet.

9. Start your “oh-I’d-love-to-do-that-someday” backpacking tour of Europe immediately.

10. Consider a position in Polish government.

Always glad to help, I am.