It’s a hot month for small town crime as everyone gets stupider in the heat. Welcome once again to Police Blotter Round-Up!
HOORAY FOR ALCOHOL!
Drunk: Police interviewed a "very intoxicated" Johnny Winfield on South Broad Street. He said he had just run a gauntlet of terror on 33rd Street. He said it included a pack of dogs that ran at him, a man who shined a spotlight on him and told him to "get out of here," and someone who threw bricks at him.
Drunk: A resident was arrested for being intoxicated while staying at the Alcohol and Drug Free Lodging Home on Shore Drive.
Drunk & Disorderly: An intoxicated man was reportedly acting obnoxious at a McGregor Lake campground. Fellow campers said he was rudely demanding bug spray.
Disorderly: An intoxicated man was wandering around Highway 2 East near Kalispell, yelling at people because he was “trying to buy weed.”
WHEE!
Vehicle Theft, Property Damage, Property Theft: Police responded to a scene at 11:55 p.m. July 3 where several people witnessed a large brown motor home crash through the fence of U-Store Self Storage, 16610 S.E. 128th St., and travel east on Southeast 128th Street before crashing at Southeast 143rd Street and 196th Avenue Southeast, hitting several fences and telephone poles. Two male suspects in hooded sweatshirts fled, and one had a Sony DVD player in a box under his arm, although he left the box behind a telephone pole nearby. The suspects cut the fence to the storage grounds and crawled through sticker bushes to get inside. Several other motor homes were easier to get to, but were not touched. The suspects started the motor home with a key and cut a hole in the windshield to see. The owner said no keys were left in the motor home.
REALLY
Noise: A caller wants to know if the people playing music at Miller Field have the appropriate permit. Officer Callinan reports nobody is playing music at Miller Field.
Vandalism: Stitches by the Sea calls to inform WPD that someone smeared a pizza on the business’s front window.
Suspicious Person: A female reports that a neighbor is smoking a cigarette and staring at her. She is told to call back if the situation changes, as it does not warrant any response.
Unruly Minors: A caller reports that kids are “disrespecting him” by giving him the finger and calling him names. Units respond, but the kids had left. A neighbor offered a totally different account of the story than the caller.
Theft: A Shore Drive resident reports that some pinwheels and an American flag were stolen from her property last night. She has information about the person she thinks took the items.
Child Welfare: A caller reports a child screaming on Shirley Street. Units talked to the mother, who informed officers that the child was teething.
Theft: A person came into the Police Station to report that, at 8:45 a.m. in the morning, a man went into her yard and took her grandson’s bag of cans, valued at approximately $3. She got the person’s license plate number, and officers left a message with the offender so that the victim can redeem his stolen property.
Theft: Someone stole two rolls of toilet paper from a building on Grand Drive in Bigfork
Domestic: A Kalispell man called to report that his wife was refusing to let him get his coat.
Vandalism: An unknown assailant poured Taco Bell hot sauce on the rear window and trunk of a 2004 Chevy Cavalier, which had been parked in the lot around 10:20 p.m., July 26.
Theft: Carol Carroll of 342 Park Hill Drive, reported July 15 that sometime overnight someone stole her hanging tomato plant from her patio. A purse and a flip flop were left at the scene, the report said.
Suspicious Person: A caller reports that an elderly male, who is wearing a shirt as a pair of pants, appears to be confused as he walks in the vicinity of the Dunkin’ Donuts on Revere Street. Units are unable to locate the subject.
Suspicious Behavior: Police received report around 12:10 p.m. July 13 of an elderly male, standing on the side of the roadway near the 100 block of W. Liberty, holding a sign that read “hospital” on it. Officers responded but could not locate the man.
BLOTTER SNARK
Suspicious: A resident turned in a couple of bones she found behind her home on Court Road. Authorities will try to flesh out the story.
Indecency: Police checked out a report of two people having sex on the hood of a cranberry Mustang. An officer found Tanya Mathur and Marc Fink fully clothed. Mr. Fink said they were making out and he was "trying to relieve some pressure with his female friend." The officer recommended they "continue their love connection back at Fink's apartment on Kirkland Avenue."
Theft: A Beach Road resident reports that someone stole approximately nine lawn ornaments from her property last night. Officers will keep an eye out for any suspicious figures.
Domestic: An argument broke out after a 12-year-old boy hit a golf ball and nailed his little brother. The parents commenced to argue about their failures in parenting. Deputies were called and the parents were counseled. The session ended in a happy family hug.
Suspicious Actions: A caller says she has a “bad feeling” about five people in a black Honda. The people in the car had a bad feeling as well, as they couldn’t move due to flooding.
Suspicious Person: A caller reports that a man appears to be passed out on a bench on Shirley Street. WFD and EMS are notified, but it turns out that the male was reading the Bible. He left the area, peacefully. Amen.
Child Welfare: Several kids were spotted jumping in front of an approaching train in Evergreen. The authorities, who were unable to locate the kids, suspect they are not the brightest crayons in the box.
Runaway Minor: An employee at an academy for lost juvenile souls of the male sex reported that one of the boys had run away and might be hiding in the woods.
Lost Dog: A lost Chihuahua was discovered in Columbia Falls. The dog is reportedly fine, but unfortunately still resembles a small rodent.
Dog Bite: Remember the Chihuahua that someone rescued yesterday? Today the Good Samaritan reported that the dog had bitten him.
PERHAPS HE WAS INTO IT
Assault: A 48-year-old male reports that a 15-year-old hit him with a “good, left hook in the face” in Shirley Park. The boy’s mother, the man also alleged, kicked him in the testicles. The man was advised of his rights, although he decided not to file charges.
OH, SH*T
Assault: A Hawthorn Avenue resident reports that her neighbor assaulted her with a pooper scooper.
Health: A caller from Jefferson Street complains that her water smells like … Well, that it smells bad. DPW notified.
THAT’S CRAZY MAD!
Suspicious Person: Two 11-year-old boys came into the Police Station to report they had a strange conversation inside a sub shop with a man who was talking about guns and the FBI. The man is known to have mental problems. The boys were taken home, and the parent at whose house the boys were having a sleepover was informed about the curfew and letting kids out at such a late hour.
Theft: The clerk at a gas station store in the 1500 block of Lombard told police a man opened a jar of hot peppers, drank the liquid and walked out without paying for the item. The offender, a severely mentally-disabled man from that neighborhood, was taken to MacNeal Hospital for treatment.
Suspicious Person: A caller reports that a white male, described as having a lazy eye and wearing Spandex shorts, was having two children pose for them while he took photographs. When confronted by one of the mothers, the man reportedly got nervous and left on his bike. Officers asked to BOLO.
Disorderly: West of Whitefish on Highway 93, a man was attempting to kick vehicles as they drove past. Deputies, who were unsure of what sport the man was playing, called for a timeout and drove him home.
JUST REGULAR MAD
Disorderly, Trespass: While in local ordinance court, a man was issued a fine on a ticket. After receiving the fine, the man reportedly walked to the rear of the courtroom—which is part of the police station—and began to yell “All you guys are b!+ch@$!”, then slammed the door, causing a disturbance in the lobby. Officers ran outside after Mark A. Mercado, of the 6300 block of 28th. They found him inside a business in the 3000 block of Ridgeland; the business owner signed a trespassing complaint. Mercado was charged with disorderly conduct and criminal trespass.
Assault: A man reported getting kicked “in the *expletive* face” in Lakeside.
Assault, Multiple: Numerous men stood in a front yard on Canyon Road in Hungry Horse, while punching, yelling and hitting one another. When deputies arrived, everyone denied there was a “situation” and no one wanted to file a complaint. As deputies noted, the first rule about Fight Club is that is that you do not talk about Fight Club.
Profanities: Police responded to the corner of York Road and Douglas Lane after report of a man yelling obscenities around 8:30 p.m. on July 26. Officers spoke with the man who said he was angry about his weed-eater and was yelling about it. Officers told him there had been a complaint about his language.
GOATS!
Animal Complaint: A resident on Highway 2 West is the owner of 25 to 30 highly irritating goats.
Animal Complaint: An irate woman reported that her neighbors’ goats were destroying her property. The woman said she “has had it and is ready to do away with them.” No word if she was referring to her neighbors or the goats.
MAYBE A FAT SMELLY INFANT?
Theft: Diapers and cookies were stolen from inside a woman’s purse July 20 while she shopped at a Lafayette Road grocery store. Police have no definitive suspects in the case
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA, BATCRIME!
Theft: A 1966 Batman Milk advertising sign was stolen via eBay from a Forest Meadows Dr. resident. The item is valued at $160.49.
Finally, my pick of the month…
UNIVERSAL MALE FANTASY CRIME
Minor, liquor violation: A Kirkland police officer was on patrol in Marina Park when he noticed two youthful blond females standing with their skirts pulled to the ground. In only their thong underwear, the two females looked to be getting ready to urinate on the flag pole. As they spotted the police officer they ran to a parked black BMW. As the officer approached he noticed the females hurriedly moving things around on the floor of the back seat and a third female in the driver's seat. When the females rolled the window down a powerful odor of alcohol emanated from the car. All three females are 18 years old and were arrested.
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman