I am glad to bring you a rare (and always welcomed) Popthomology Guest Post, this time from my friend Stacy in Florida (@tuned2chords on Twitter -- follow, follow!). I forget sometimes how extremely lucky I am to have this site; I am able to speak my mind and tell my stories and share things with the world each day. When I am able sometimes to describe a feeling, experience, or event that other people can strongly connect to, it's humbling and gratifying. After all, so much of other people we never know -- most of our interactions remain transitory and surface-level. But we're all in this together. Stacy, with good humor and delightful sailor-swearing punctuation, reminds us that some people really don't want to be in this all together, unless "all" means "exactly like me and my kin." She also reminds us that dogs are smarter than people, and occasionally have perfect comic timing. Thank you, Stacy!
We had a neighbor named Ralph. His house was manicured. The paint was immaculate and his wife always had on a matching ensemble and perfect hair. She was a real estate agent and he had retired early, had a boat and a nice car. So many people would think, “What nice neighbors to have!”
Ralph came to our open house party when we moved in. He told us his cat was named Sambo, because he’s a black cat. Isn’t that clever. He questioned us about what we were, and the answer was Jewish.
He and his wife then proceeded to be nasty to us and everyone who visited us for the rest of the time he lived next door. He scowled at Aunt Myrtle when she came over because she is black; he did not want her tires touching his grass. Hanukah parties really pissed him off. They kept track of what we did. Ralph’s pristine wife once referred to me as “you people." All the while, my kids witnessed their behavior, and I in turn was able to teach them a lesson in how not to treat others.
One pretty Saturday morning, before Ralph moved out to live on a lake, as he told my husband Rob, to “get away from the niggers and Cubans and Jews, “ we had a little… scuffle with him. One of our dogs ran outside, a sweet little girl lab. Maibel saw him and ran over toward him, because, well...she’s a happy dog. Ralph shoo-ed her away and in her friendly excitement she proceeded to go into poop position...plop,plop,plop.
Ralph yelled to Rob, “Your fucking dog just shit on my lawn!”
Rob, who is patient, molasses-y, you’re-going-to-wait-this-out wise when he senses a problem, said to Ralph, “Relax...I’ll get the scooper and clean it up riiight now.”
To which Ralph replied, “Fucking kike!”
Rob paused and then took the scooper full of dog shit...I saw his arm go up in a surreal slow motion, as if the music from “The Bionic Man” were in the background... up with the scooper, sideways turn... and the next thing I know, Rob flings all the dog shit in the scooper toward Ralph’s general bigoted direction. “Fuck you!” Rob spat out, who then walked back home with Maibel and the scooper. It was one for the good guys...tossing dog shit at a shitty person, which isn’t exactly what any nice person ever, ever wants to do, or plans to do.
Hate. A man full of hate. Ralph, with all his toys and motorcycles and a perfectly manicured house and painted wife will never be happy in all his days, because there are "niggers and Cubans and Jews." I wonder if his current neighbors think, “What a nice neighbor to have!”
Woof woof, Ralph.
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman