I am still, of course, in hunter-gatherer mode for Christmas. I made the tactical decision to visit TJ Maxx and Cost Plus Warehouse this Friday afternoon, knowing that both stores would be crowded and traffic jammed. I also know that the misery of this will be exponentially raised on the weekend, so I took the lesser evil. Yet still -- STILL -- my experience was somehow made EVEN WORSE by a few suburban TURDS. I will immortalize them here on the internet, which is a vent for me and an opportunity for you to relate and/or go HA HA! at me for going into a store in December at all.
The Cruelty-In-Sound A-Hole Award goes to...
TJ MAXX CORPORATE for forcing me to listen to the most godawful Christmas music there must be on the planet. Too many oboes, too many completely-unmemorable "holiday" songs just slathered in autotune and pushed through the Blandinator, and a Dean Martin Christmas song that sounded so blasé that I nearly lost consciousness while by the jeans rack.
The Family Values A-Hole Award goes to...
THE MIDDLE-AGED DAUGHTER OF A VERY OLD TINY WOMAN USING A WALKER, who stood BEHIND ME and DID NOTHING as I assisted HER MOTHER who begged for help after she knocked over a display on herself and couldn't pick it up or move her walker. Of course I helped, picked up the mess, told her it was OK, and the woman was very grateful and even reached down to pat my back gently. I had no idea the daughter was RIGHT THERE until I had finished, got up, and heard her say to her mother, flatly, "Oh. You knocked something down again?" GRRRRRR.
and...
The SHUT UP! SHUT UP! EVEN JESUS WOULD TELL YOU TO SHUT! UP! Award goes to...
THE INCREDIBLY RUDE MIDDLE-AGED RICH BITCH ON HER CELLPHONE who thought that having a very intense and profanity-laden fight with someone on her Blackberry was OK to share with all the rest of us shoppers at TJ Maxx, as she strode around the store for a good 15 minutes, past grannies looking for gifts for their teen granddaughters, preschoolers in shopping carts, the cute girl in the Santa hat, and actual decent people who would at the very least take their dirty laundry to their cars in the parking lot.
When she pushed past me for like the third time, and loudly spat into her phone, "You're FUCKING with my HEAD!!" I did this:
which made several surrounding people laugh and nod their heads and feel better.
There will be no afterparty for these awards, unless you want to call Not Being In A Store At December a party, which it is, really.
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman