I suppose as soon as early man invented some kind of entertainment, soon afterward came a Stage Parent. Like, say the McBlundgeoner clan over in The Bushes 3A found out that their young daughter, Miley McBludgeoner, could reasonably copy a songbird's tune while somersaulting. Mrs. McBludgeoner, wanting to raise her clan's status, started bringing Miley and her act around to neighbors the Hairdraggers, the Dirtbergs, and the Hunter-Gatherers to hopefully get an extra hunk of wild dog meat or fire or something. Even if Miley got pretty damn dizzy, it didn't matter -- the outcome was all.
Thousands of years pass. The Stage Parent is still with us, in growing numbers it seems. My issue today is with the extremely-misguided parents who are spending what must be tens of thousands of dollars to thrust their young daughters into the foul and fraught-with-peril waters of mainstream pop stardom. I speak specifically today about the very jaded and very creepy entity that is Los Angeles' Ark Music Factory, and the asshole parents who, by paying AMF, think they doing their moderately-to-not-at-all-talented children some kind of favor. AMF doesn't care if their young artists can sing, or dance, or write songs or play an instrument, because it doesn't matter. If parents can shove forth the cash, they will write, producer, and promote by formula a bokeh-beautiful video featuring a song that is so Autotuned you can actually hear the warble of the digital manipulation...and don't forget to add in street cred with a ponderous rap bridge!
CouchTeen brought this reprehensible place to my attention today, via what is possibly the Worst Song Ever Written And Performed In The History Of Humankind. Here's 13-year-old AMF "artist" Rebecca Black with "Friday."
At the time of this writing, the video has almost 10.5 million views on YouTube. Why? BECAUSE IT'S SO BAD!!!! Oh, Black Family, I bet you weren't at all expecting your child to become the laughingstock of the ENTIRE INTERNET when you shelled out all that money to those slimeball profiteers, huh? Your very pretty daughter, who is made up to look far older than the 8th grader that she is, has a voice that could perform LASIK eye surgery or effortlessly strip away wallpaper. She can't sing. What exactly was the outcome you hoped for here? Let's look at a few "before and after" shots of some young ladies who were also inappropriately whored out to Hollywood by their families, shall we?
Miss Lindsey Lohan...
Miss Britney Spears...
...and Miss Miley McBludgeoner...I mean, Cyrus.
Look good to you? The scariest thing is that it just might. 10.5 mil + YouTube views, no matter what the reason, is going to translate into some sales, and all the press you could ever hope for. Think Rebecca is ready to handle what you set her up for?
Think again.
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman