FIVE THINGS THAT BOTHER ME ABOUT THE ROYAL WEDDING

I can't say that I was all stoked about the fact that Prince William married his college sweetie Kate Middleton today in Ol' Blighty. In fact, the whole thing was off my radar until all the media outlets pretty much shoved it into my eye sockets. It's not like I hate the royals or whatever, but I am not five years old. Fairytales are just that, even if they are televised. I'd rather watch these two cute birds outside my window build a nest. Anyway, since I was forced to pay minimal attention to the Spectacle of Britain today, I'd be glad to tell you five things that bother me about the royal wedding.

1. Hats. Look at all those stupid hats. Look at all those really expensive stupid hats. God, I hate whimsy.

2. Victoria Beckham's Sour Face Again. Now, granted, she is pregnant and might not be feeling all that great, but WHEN does this woman EVER smile? There she is, standing next to her Fine-Ass Dude Impregnator, soccer star David Beckham, she's rich and famous and invited to a Royal Wedding, and STILL she looks like she's been watching Holocaust films for days in a row. Maybe she is in unshakably deep thought about what to name her new daughter when the day arrives. Kelp? Brigade? Toonces? One of those.

3. Camilla, Whatever Her Royal Title Is Now That She Married Prince Charles. Ma'am, your hairstyle is 40 years out of date, your clothes look like you stole them off the Queen, and it's obvious you far prefer horses to people and may in fact be a horse in a dress. You could call me a neigh-sayer.

4. Marriage. Probably as outdated a tradition as the royals themselves. Prince William coulda been a playa like Prince Albert of Monaco, but nooooo. He had to go get married in his 20s! Well, Kate seems like an intelligent woman, and she'll hold up nicely. Her mom is hot.

5. The Cost of the Wedding. This is by far what bothers me the most. To their credit, the bride's family is said to have picked up six figures of the tab for it all, including her dresses, but that's a drop in the bucket. No one will ever cop to the real figure, but the estimates for the total cost of the wedding and the hit to the already-broken British economy, is staggering. Pro-royals have been claiming for years and years that the Queen and her family are vital to supporting England's tourism industry, but I call BS on that. You could have it all in a museum and not keep handing out vast amounts of money and property to people that are, after all, not any more special than you or I. They don't have magic powers, and they aren't any more skilled at cutting ribbons than a preschooler. The appearances they make in public for charities have always seemed forced and awkward, because they are, and no one is being inspired by them, except maybe to sit on their asses and collect money for nothing, HOO HAH. Harsh, yes, but we live in harsh times that are not likely to ever go back to the fanciful indulgence of propping up a meaningless monarchy.

In my dreams, because I think Prince William isn't a nasty lil' crapper like Prince Harry, I would have been stoked if he and Kate would have done something like this...

"Grams, we'd like to get married because we are young and idealistic and such, but we're going to elope to Vegas and then hang out on some rich friend's island for a couple of weeks. We'd rather the money that would be spent on the wedding go to fund homeless shelters, or drug abuse programs, or early childhood education programs, or cancer hospice support, or something that is going to have lasting, real value for the citizens of the United Kingdom. We've both led lives of immense privilege, and we don't need to dress up all fancy and ride horses and stuff. So, like, we'll see ya when we get back, and we'll totally get you a 'My grandson got married in Vegas, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' t-shirt, 'k?"

Oh, well.