IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A REALLY UGLY SWIMSUIT IN 2012...

...I know right where to send you: Urban Outfitters. My guess is that the swimsuits must have been designed by a bitter, friendless 13-year-old Japanese girl; they are creepily whimsical, unflattering to all, cheap-looking, and inexplicable. UO also hired the sour-faced and slumping Waify McRib to model for them this year, which doesn't help. Here are five of the worst, or best, depending on your comic perspective.

There's no winning with this one. If you have one single pound more on you than Waify here does, your fat is going to spill out of all those punchholes like little flab cupcakes everywhere. If you are super-thin, this suit will just make you look like a skanky truckstop stripper from 1967. $165.00.

This kind-of ripoff of the Rolling Stones/Rocky Horror Show logos tells us this is candy in the mouth, but it looks more like pills to me. The latter would help me justify paying $185. 00 for this.

I know this is supposed to look all '40s-retro-cool, but there is no body type in the world that will look good in this, defeating its purpose other than to provide a quick-drying fabric. Is there anyone who desires a completely shapeless, dumpy ass? $79.00.

No. $150.00.

And finally, nothing says sexy summer fun like a disembodied horse head draped across your midsection. Just say neigh. $136.