Today as we here in the Yoo Ess of Ayy celebrate our independence from upper-crusty funny-accented monarchs, I thought I would take a little time away from the sun n' fun to bring you some really crappy songs about America. Writing a song about your nation is definitely one way to go about trying to get a hit, because there will always be guys in huge trucks with those naked girl mudflaps ready to buy anything that screams "blind, jingoistic nationalism" or "Waah! America is bad!" set to a snappy tune. Now, don't get me wrong here...despite all our serious issues and failures, I'm glad I was born here and understand the value of being an American. But I also enjoy my right of free speech, and these songs suck. Please to enjoy!
This turgid, MOR-metal piece of crap by Night Ranger could have, and may indeed have, been written by a tree stump. The whole lowering of the giant flag and making of the point that not only can you STILL rock in America, but you can still rock in America OH YEAH, ALL NIGHT makes me feel like my IQ is lowering by the second. If you like this, or ever liked this, we cannot hang out. Ever. Sorry.
OK, I'm not sorry.
Night Ranger, "(You Can Still) Rock In America"
Fun Fact: Styx is my most-hated band of the ever, even over Rush and Journey, and that says a LOT. For me, Styx represents everything that has ever been wrong about music since the dawn of time. If you can make it through the hideously-laughable guitar solo at the beginning to this awful, awful song, you are a true warrior.
Styx, "Miss America"
Surprise, surprise...a grandiose concept title from U2 that falls completely flat with a dull performance, utter lack of melody, shitty vocals, and lyrics that could come straight from the diary of a self-absorbed emo-ish 14-year-old girl. HOWEVER, the best reason to bring you this is for the video: a dude with an AMAZING mullet sitting in a chair very badly miming to a recording of the song. WOW! I smell viral!
U2, "Elvis Presley and America"
Oh, brother, this really, really, really BLOWS. An autotuned alt-metal pseudo-tough stunningly-simpleminded song featuring zombies, lots of gratuitous swearing, and lyrics about flipping off the world. This could only appeal to a disaffected 11-year-old boy, older men with traumatic brain injury, or people who attend Phoenix ComicCon. I hereby re-name this band "Douche."
Deuce, "America"
The lyrical dunderheaded puffery in this song is a shining example of why the rest of the world just hates us. Not to mention lamely re-writing his own "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" in his icky country-jazz fusion way is gross.
Charlie Daniels Band, "In America"
AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh, what the hell?? OK, I have to stop here because this cannot be topped. I have never heard nor seen a cheesier thing in my life. Musically, Dennis Madalone is the spawn of Billy Squire and a nanny goat. The credits for the video take up half the time. Knee bandana? USA USA USA!
Dennis Madalone, "America We Stand As One"
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman