FIVE OF THE BIGGEST D-BAGS IN ROCK & THE SONGS I'D FORCE THEM TO SING

Monday, October 01, 2012

One of the very curious things about artistic celebrity is that we the public, if we really like an artist's work, tend to give him or her extra positive attributes, like the qualities of intelligence, kindness, generosity, humility, etc. If we admire people for one thing, it's natural we want to assume that they are "good folks" all around. Well, of course, that ain't always the case. Sometimes the rock star who wrote that sensitive ballad you played at your wedding is actually in real life a tremendous douchebag. A massive jerkoff. A ginormous tool. We can still love these artists for their music, but pity the people who have to deal with them daily, especially their housekeepers, lawyers, and long-suffering family members.


Today I am selecting ten of the biggest jackholes in rock, telling you why I think they are jackholes, and am hand-selecting the song I would force each one to sing if I had the ability to commandeer such a musical event. Maybe this could turn into a festival. Save your rotten vegetables!

GENE SIMMONS



Why he is a douchebag: Would sell his mother's panties to KISS fans if it made him enough profit. Horrifying braggart. Proud user of women. Terrible hair. Worse music. Romney 2012 voter.


TED NUGENT



Why he is a douchebag: Maniac, gun-hoarding, paranoid, far-right loose cannon. Pals with Law Enforcement Douchebag Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona. Useless to humanity immediately after recording "Journey To The Center Of The Mind." Ugly facial hair.

Song I Would Force Him To Sing: 311, "Guns (Are For Pussies)"

MORRISSEY



Why he is a douchebag: Absolutely insufferable pretentious bitter whiny miserable windbag. Can't write or sing a melody over five successive notes in the same scale. Ragged on the Ramones. Couldn't handle a water bottle hit to the noggin without throwing a walk-out hissy fit. Not as bright as he is certain he is.

Song I Would Force Him To Sing: Jimmy Buffett, "Cheeseburger In Paradise"

TIE: MADONNA & COURTNEY LOVE



Why they are douchebags: Cannot sing at all. Claim to be feminists, yet grossly used sex and sexuality to climb the ladder every step of the way. Rotten mothers. Fake accents. Plastic surgery junkies. Intensely unlikable.

Song I Would Make Them Duet On: Rolling Stones, "Stupid Girl"

VINCE NEIL



Why he is a douchebag: Terrible human being on every level. Got drunk, drove, killed his friend and brain-damaged two other folks. Assaulted a hooker. Kept getting caught for drinking and driving. Assaulted ex-girlfriend. Called his latest album "Tattoos & Tequila." You don't need more, do you?