HOW TO DESCRIBE SNOT TO YOUR DOCTOR (OR ANYONE)

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Ah, here we have another lovely autumn upon us...which also means the beginning of the dreaded cold and flu season. Already many of you are suffering from the first of what will be the 2-4 colds the average adult gets per year. You are hot, then cold, your body aches, you are spewing sneeze juice everywhere and coughing up a lung, and have some kind of awful nasal mucus issue. It is the latter symptom that I would like to focus my attention upon today: the wonderful world of snot.

How amazing is snot, huh? It can keep coming and coming and coming and coming out of your face for weeks on end, emanating from an endless magical goo pool. You can take medicines to slow it down, but it always returns. I feel like we really haven't defined snot as well as we could, as it is not only a copious fluid, but a varied one as well. I'd like to give snot a shot.

SNOT: Of a medium-stretchy plasma-like consistency and texture, and a mix of clear, white, yellow, and green wastes. Productive; fills tissue upon blowing. Bubbly sound: "SSSssssNNNnnoTT."

SNAT: The dry, hardened tiny yellow bits of nasal waste, common at the end of a cold and produced in over-heated, low-humidity air. Upon forceful nasal expulsion, makes sharp, slapping sound, "SNAT! SNAT!" into tissue.

SNAY: Loose clear or white wastes that stream copiously from the nose, with little or no effort: "SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY."

SNIFF-SNAY: SNAY that is so uncontrollable that you are in a constant battle for waste containment: "SNIFF! - SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAY-SNIFF! - SNAAAY-SNIFF!-SNIFF! - SNAAAAAAAYYY."

SNIH: How ladies try to contain SNAY in public: "snih...snaaaaaaaay...snih snih snih snih."

SNNN: Heavy, congealed dark yellow or chartreuse green wastes that are unproductive and lodged within the sinuses. Upon great and repeated effort to expel the wastes, the only sound made is, "SNNNNNNNNNN."

SNORK: The loud, snore-like sound of sniffing back SNOT or SNNN, sending it into the throat: "SnnnnnnNORKKK!"

I think that should cover it, and I hope you will go ahead and print this out as a handy medical guide to use at the doctor's office or when consulting your pharmacist. Good day, and good snatting to you!