It's coming.
I feel it in my bones.
No matter what I do, no proactive, preventative measure can stop it.
Like a shiny, tinsel-choked tsunami tumbling ominously forward with packages of all sizes and shapes, sharp-edged gift cards, and brutal red cast iron Salvation Army cash pots, the surrounding air reeking of gingerbread and peppermint...DECEMBER IS COMING.
And with December, the holidays, and with the holidays the task of buying gifts for 8 trillion people, including the elderly members of the family. This, as we all so sorrowfully already know, is the HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD, having to think of what to get Methuselah Hasitall once AGAIN. I feel I have extra-good life experience here to offer you here, as I was born to already-old parents who had old parents. I've been trying to please the ancients all my life. So I've written up here a brief Elder Needs List that you can print out and take to your local shopping establishments or to your filthy laptop computer this December, and I hope it eases your burden a bit so you can get back to watching a crappy Christmas movie on Lifetime while eating stale sticky candy canes and dreaming of far-away, holiday-free tropical islands.
To know what to buy someone, you have to know who they are first. This is commonly called "being thoughtful" or "being hopelessly infected with terrible stereotypes." Either way, whatever, brah. Let's begin.
OLD PEOPLE ARE COLD
Old people complain all the time of being cold. It doesn't matter if it's 90 degrees outside; they will either crank up the heat, suffocating all other inhabitants in the house, or whine endlessly about a mysterious soul-sucking "draft" that can never, EVER, be located.
BUY THEM...
-- a damn sweater;
-- a damn Snuggie;
-- a lazy-ass small pet, like an overfed cat or tiny dog so dim-witted it doesn't know how to get off the elder's lap;
-- a supply of bite-sized super-hot peppers (with an Epi-Pen).
OLD PEOPLE ARE HOT
Menopausal women and aging alcoholics of both sexes often feel flushed with rushes of heat. It doesn't matter if it's -15 degrees outside; they will crank up the A/C, turning all other inhabitants in the house into blocks of ice, or whine endlessly about their defective furnace and/or Satan.
BUY THEM...
-- a damn fan;
-- moisture-wicking bedding;
-- a frozen margarita machine;
-- a carnival water dunk machine and a swimsuit.
OLD PEOPLE CANNOT HEAR
Age-related hearing loss is very common, which leaves your elder loved one frustrated by your incessant mumbling and whispering and total inability to SPEAK THE HELL UP.
BUY THEM...
-- a monogrammed Victorian Ear Trumpet;
-- a megaphone, for you;
-- a trucker hat that says "WHAT??" on it;
-- a DVD with all the "Bad Lip Reading" videos on it.
OLD PEOPLE LIKE TO WATCH TELEVISION
In every house of every old person I know, the TV is never off. The TV's function, therefore, can be thought of as a benign and chipper constant companion or endless garbage-babbling distraction from looming death.
BUY THEM...
-- another TV, because theirs is either from 1980 or they keep burning them out because they are NEVER TURNED OFF;
-- Visine, because their eyes can get dry from watching 72-hours straight of the History Channel;
-- a new remote control, with only FIVE BUTTONS: On/Off, Volume, and three channels ONLY (FOX News, the Oprah Winfrey Network, and the Weather Channel).
Good luck, and don't forget to duck!
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman