Now, before you judge me, Judgey McJudgersteinbergarama, let this fact be known: I am a pet fan, and have been so all my life. I have always had pets of one kind or another, take my animal ownership responsibilities seriously, and think other species are pretty darn awesome. But DAMN, have there been some HORRIFIC pop songs written about animals! I thought I might vent a few on you tonight, because catharsis is good. Get it? CAT-harsis?? AH HAHAHA! HA. Ha. Anyway, please to enjoy!
1. "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," The Tokens. I have seriously loathed this song all my life. It severely annoys me like few others. I think the whole "weee--eee--eeee-dee--eeee-eeeewweee-wwwee-eee-a-wee-dum-dum-dooway" or whatever the eff it is is pitched at a tone that instantly incites rage in me. And then the whole twee "weem-a-weh" thing and THEN the super-opera lady with the high notes, AIIEEEEE! I can remember getting very feisty in the car when I was really little over this, and INSISTING that the radio channel be changed NOW. Man. This sucks. Even hearing it for a couple moments putting this post up is upsetting me. I think the lion should wake up and devour anyone who sings this.
2. "Muskrat Love," The Captain and Tennille. Holy crap, just WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? I think the song was the straw that broke the camel's back for me in 1976, plunging me into a "music has died forever" teenage depression. People who like this, really actually like this, must live in homes choked with Precious Moments figurines and think little dogs with bulging, runny eyes and crooked teeth and huffing asthma who pee all over the house are "just so adorable." This is Satan's wedding march. Muskrats are gross.
3. "Rockin' Robin," Bobby Day. The version I knew was the one by the Jackson 5, but I hate them all. Tweet, tweet, twiddley dee...GOD, SHUT UP. It's like listening to someone using their finger on the lips to go "blubblubblubblub" while using their other hand to scratch their nails on a blackboard.
4. "Puff The Magic Dragon," Peter, Paul and Mary. Why do I hate this sweet children's tune? Because for most of my life it made me WEEP over poor rejected and abandoned Puff and his probable broken-heated demise. Weep big fat hot tears all over the place, wherever I was. THANKS, PP & M. THANKS A LOT, YOU MONSTERS.
5. "Crocodile Rock," Elton John. Not a big EJ fan ever, but this particularly got on my nerves. The "la la la la la" thing makes me frown automatically. Also, I am irritated by the too-easy rhyme of "croc" and "rock." Crocodiles do not rock. They are flat green huge-mouthed swamp-dwelling biting machines and have nothing to do with pseudo-'50s nostalgia.
6. "Dixie Chicken," Little Feat. Little Feat and The Band are indistinguishable to me: bland, unbearably dull Southern boogie hippies. Plus, the whole "Dixie" thing is suspicious, eh. Ugh.
7. "Puppy Love," Donny Osmond. I know I am exactly in the right age and gender demographic to have gone MENTAL over this Mormon cover of the Paul Anka hit, but I HATED it. The Osmonds voices sounded like buzzing mosquitos to me. Mosquitos covered in liquid sugar. Listening to it now, Donny sounds like, "OK, right, this'll be a hit, let's get this done, boys." Someone help me, help me please.
8. "The Chipmunk Song," The Chipmunks. I don't really have to justify hating this, right?
9. "Una Paloma Blanca," The George Baker Selection. Dear GOD. I can remember being TORTURED by this song on the long bus rides to and from junior high school. It's relentless, and sounds like a commercial for Kotex set to a polka beat. I could see this being used now in a very violent scene in a Quentin Tarantino film.
10. "Elusive Butterfly," Bob Lind. And finally, we will throw in an insect for good measure. Some of the worst lyrics ever here. Even as a kid I knew this was over the top. How's your Butterfly of Love doing now, Bob? Probably fled to Mexico.
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman