ASK MISS VICTORIA: AN ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Miss Victoria:

I work in an office with three other women, and we all get along just fine. But I am having a problem with one of the gals, and I don't know what to do about it. Her breath smells like a cat litter box, and I am having a very hard time not making a bad face when I talk with her. It's really embarrassing, but I have to do something because it's making me not want to go to work. It's that bad.

Yours,

Darlene M.

My Dear Miss M.:

As a lady, one should never speak of such painfully indelicate matters as female halitosis, and especially must refrain from alluding to the collected waste matter of felines! The effect of viewing your correspondence sent me to my bed for several days, aided by smelling salts and cooled cloths to the forehead.

With sincerity,

Miss Victoria

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Hey Vic:

I go to college at State U., and there's this chick in my Econ 400 class who is super-hot. I'd totes like to hookup with her, but she's kinda out of my league. What's the fastest way into her pants? PS. I graduate in a few weeks so a quick answer would be great.

Thanks bro,

Jayson G.

My Dear Mr. G:

As I interpret your inquiry, I believe you are wishing to spend close company with a young lady of fine comportment. In such matters, one would compose a letter of intent to the young lady's father, asking if you may call on his daughter in the family parlor, perhaps after the dinner service. The patriarch, if he so wishes to entertain your desire, should reply to your proposal with the parameters acceptable to him along with queries as to your moral and financial character. 

My sincere good wishes for a successful coupling,

Miss Victoria

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Dear Miss V:

I am so bummed out. Everything is going wrong for me. I didn't get the promotion I wanted, my boyfriend spends all his time playing video games, and I dropped my iPhone 5c in the toilet the first day I got it. I'm bored with everything, and everyone seems happier than me. Why don't I have anything good?

FML,

Alyson B.

My Dear Miss B:

Be of good cheer, and lament no more! I have heard from the most reliable and noble of gentlemen that the town rodent infestation has lessened, and more of our newborn babes shall survive uneaten! Dysentery, consumption, and the plague have also ceased to claim all those they contact, and the poorhouses seem to have adequate coal to heat sleeping quarters for the worst of winter's icy blanketing! Surely, we shall rejoice!

Yours in grateful service,

Miss Victoria