If ever there was a time to underline the fact that society has TOPPED OUT on crap to make and sell, it's Christmas. What a world! If there's some new GEEGAW or CONTRAPTION to sell to suckers with cash to burn (and certainly to hundreds of millions of people that really don't have cash to burn, but torch it in the name of Jesus' natal event anyway), Christmas is the time to do it! I get so many holiday store emails and shiny catalogs in the mailbox beginning in OCTOBER that it's almost comical. HEY LADY, they shout, WE GOT A COOL GIZMO RIGHT HERE YOU CAN GIVE TO SOMEONE! HEY! LADY! HEY! I'm not against some gadgetry here and there, but at some point with some of this stuff, one has to stand up and say, THIS IS SILLY AND PLEASE STOP NOW. Today I bring you ten items that I just cannot handle. I cannot.
1. HI-CALL BLUETOOTH TALKING GLOVE
This is not a joke. This company seriously believes that actual grown people are really going to want to walk around wearing clunky gloves, which take cell phone calls via Bluetooth by making the pretend telephone shape with your hand. Go ahead, try doing it for a second. See? COME ON NOW.
2. THE REMOTE CONTROL ROLLING BEVERAGE COOLER
Do we really need one more item to enable our slothful indolence? The only good thing about this is knowing that some knucklehead is going to buy it, load it full of Bud Lite bottles, and attempt to send it down some stairs, because robots are magical.
3. STAR WARS ROBES
For the man who has absolutely no interest nor hope in getting any from the ladies.
4. THE FASHIONISTA CHRISTMAS TREE
Nothing says "Wow! The Son of God was born today!" like a fake lighted tree shaped like haute couture!
5. THE POWER NAP HEAD PILLOW
I can totally understand the need to take a lil' siesta while in public every so often, like if you are stuck in the airport for 10 hours or at a Jimmy Buffet concert. But GET REAL. If you put this thing on your head, what do you THINK is going to happen? Sleep? NO. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL BE POINTING AND LAUGHING AND TALKING AND MAYBE POKING AND KICKING AT YOU THE WHOLE TIME BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A GIANT BUG.
6. THE THOMAS KINKADE CRYSTAL SANTA CLAUS
Looks like everyone was naughty this year, because SANTA HAS CONSUMED THE ENTIRE TOWN!!! AIIIEEEEEE!
7. THE SEATED WHOLE BODY PEDALER
I know you really want to believe, Mr. I-Bought-The-Robot-Cooler-Too, but you'll achieve more fitness by hauling this useless pseudo-fitness machine to the garage than by actually using it.
8. THE GO-ANYWHERE ELECTRIC SKATEBOARD
It goes up to 19MPH. What could possibly go wrong?
9. THE CANINE'S CULINARY CHRISTMAS CUPCAKES
Here's a thought: if you have forty bucks to blow on dog cupcakes, why not take that money and buy some actual dog food and donate it to your local animal shelter? SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS, 'N ALL, ya know.
10. THE WIRELESS, WATERPROOF SPEAKER THAT TAKES CALLS
Seriously, if you can't take five or ten minutes out of your day while you are cleaning yourself to NOT TAKE A PHONE CALL, you are getting it WRONG. WWJD?
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman