In my house, the Opening of the Stockings traditionally takes place first thing Christmas morning, and their heavy bounty from Santa is enjoyed by all. Toys, candy, socks, soap, novelties...you never know what's gonna be in there, which makes it fun. But there is a part of me that misses the Appalling Old Times when Santa really DID deliver a sock of coal to the naughty. Sure, it might ruin the holiday and all but there had to be some satisfaction to Santa's Ultimate Smackdown to Little Arthur, who refused to help Big Arthur plow the back 40, or Little Emmaline, who was a greedy little snit who wouldn't share her toys and was rude to her nanny. At least for 30 seconds, everyone at some point has wished to witness a "Coalsplosion" at Christmas.
Anyway, if you want to prod Santa to revive the whole retro Naughty thing, you might move him to action by suggesting he might load the stockings of your bad relatives with some of these things:
1. Old hard-boiled eggs
2. Wet cotton candy and fresh minced garlic, mixed
3. Laminated cat hairballs
4. Fried-out useless external drives
5. Sgt. Barry Sadler's entire audio catalogue
6. Durian
7. The keys to a Ford Pinto, which would be up on blocks in the driveway leaking oil
8. Tickets to "National Geographic's 'All About Snails' "
9. Every single sock that hasn't been put in the hamper for an entire year
10. A miniature cactus
11. A feisty, disoriented vole
12. Uncooked bacon covered in motor oil
13. An old talking Barney the Dinosaur toy that is broken and cannot stop singing "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME"
14. Hair sweepings from the local salon
15. Used waxing strips from the local Brazilian Wax spa
16. Very-slightly-used adult diapers
17. Moldy Thanksgiving leftovers
18. Coupon for a lap dance from Great-Grandma Eunice
19. Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads
20. Peppermint-flavored roofies
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman