10 REASONS TO AVOID DRIVING IN SOUTH FLORIDA

(DISCLAIMER: OK, so yes, I do have my own anxiety issues with driving, but THIS IS ALL TRUE! Really. Ask any resident or scientific survey!)

Raise your hand if you love driving on the streets and highways of high-density urban America! Come on! Anyone? Hello? Anyone? Well, of course no one does, and everyone complains about how traffic gets worse and worse, commutes get longer and longer, and people on the road are crazier now than back in the day. But, I AM TELLING YOU, the craziest of the craziest are in the Miami-Ft. Lauderdale metro area. Here's why!

1. Getting cut off constantly. It's every man or woman or manatee for themselves on these roads, which means the concept of "defensive driving" is EXTRA important. You will find that if someone wants to get in front of you to go to Publix, or cross 4 lanes of traffic in 2 seconds at 70 MPH because it's FUN, or go completely horizontal in front of you and just SIT, they will. Constantly, all day and all night.

2. No one uses turn signals. You are supposed to read all the minds of all the other drivers and adjust your driving accordingly. Also, the slow drift to the right from the car in front of you may turn into the sudden veer to the left at any moment.

3. Motorcyclist death wishes. There's no other way to explain the bro with no helmet wearing shorts and a cutoff t-shirt weaving in-between cars on I-95 in speeds in excess of 100 MPH. This is not uncommon, by the way.

4. The invisible nighttime bicyclist. Apparently, there are legions of men wearing all black clothes on black bikes with no lights and no helmets that weave all over the roads the second the sun goes down.

5. No pedestrians use crosswalks. If I had a nickel for every person I have seen crossing the street in the most dangerous way possible, even when a crosswalk is just a few feet away, I would be unimaginably wealthy. This jaywalking proclivity includes all cultures, ages, and ranges of mental stability. Diagonal through a busy intersection? Sure, take your time! Crossing 4 lanes of traffic, including maneuvering over a large grassy median strip, pushing an empty grocery cart with one hand and holding the hand of a toddler with the other? Why not? Stepping off the curb in front of a line of speeding cars just because the place you want to go is just right there in front of you across the street and you want to get there NOW? Efficient! 

6. Horns. BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP! BEEEP BEEEEP! For any reason, any time. Maybe just to announce, "BEEEP! Hey, it's great to be alive today! BEEEEEEEP!" Also, swears.

7. French-Canadian bicyclists: Nous ne se soucient pas de vos règles de trafic américain stupide!

8. Hummers. Hummers are ridiculous anyway, but add a Hummer and the diplog who bought it in with all the rest of this and it's extra intolerable. 

9. Hoards of Tourists and Very Very Very Old People. They don't know where they are going.

10. Flooding. Rain = flooded streets = a mess for drivers. Eventually, global warming will solve this problem by just covering the entire South Florida area with many feet of water so you don't have to worry about driving here at all anymore!

I love coming down here to visit all my cool pals, but do I drive here? NNNNNNNOPE!