TEN PRESCRIPTION DRUGS I THINK SHOULD EXIST

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

MEDS.

AMIRITE?

ERR BUDDY ON DA MEDS.

Young, old, healthy, infirm, yes...it seems just about everyone in America is regularly taking some kind of medication, to the infinite delight of Big Pharma. Now don't get me wrong -- most meds are a magnificent benefit to living in Our Moderne Tymes. They can prevent Small Illness from becoming Big Illness, and Big Illness from becoming Actual Final Death. Hooray for Science! But are we an overmedicated society, too fast to pop pills for the slightest reason? Probably. Yet there are some conditions that remain unaddressed by the pharmaceutical industry, and so I have helpfully gone ahead here with my suggestions which should jumpstart their creation. Please to enjoy!




1. CONFOXATIA 

For patients with pronounced, persistent refusal to accept 3 out of 5 of the following concepts: climate change, vaccines don't cause autism, trickle-down economics don't benefit anyone but the rich, black lives matter, or that Fox News lies about everything.

2. DEFLATIX

For chronic overuse of Viagra™, Cialis™, or other penile erection drugs by men of all ages.

3. SLOWTOX

A timed-release, slow-acting form of Botox™which allows users to stop the drug's effect before the face looks frozen and ridiculous.

4. ALKADERP

Taken with alcohol, Alkaderp causes a warning hot flash and blushing effect in users at the point when they have ingested enough alcohol to act like an idiot.

5. MOTOCHIL

Prevents incidents of rage and frustration when taken before a trip to the DVM.

6. FECOLORAL

When taken with meals, produces neon-hued bowel movements within 12-24 hours, just to make things more interesting.

7. CHOCOPHIL

Chocophil makes all food taste like delicious salted-caramel chocolate brownies. Use with caution.

8. SONUSNO

Works with the brain's auditory perception system to effectively block noises the exact frequency of yapping small dogs, crying infants, nails on a chalkboard, and Kathie Lee Gifford's voice.

9. NEPAVOTIN

A treatment for public water supplies, which works to counteract the brain malformation that allows adults to believe that voting for a member of the Bush Family is a good idea.

And finally...

10. ANTICAROTEL

 Removes unnatural orange tones from the skin within 4-6 weeks. FDA trials to begin on John Boehner in 2016.