14 THINGS I WANTED FROM THE BACK OF BETTER HOMES & GARDENS MAGAZINE IN THE 1970s

When I was growing up in the '60s and '70s, two strong characteristics emerged for me early on: I loved to read and I loved to shop. I did not discriminate in what I read when I was a kid; if it had WORDS on it, it was to be read. Spaghetti-Os can, Dad's camera manual, Reader's Digest? I GOT YOU. And a chance to get OUT of the house and BUY something, even cereal or socks? YES! We always had lots of books and magazines in the house, including a subscription to Better Homes & Gardens, which like everything else I read cover to cover. In the back of the magazine were small ads, purportedly curated by the editor, many which ran for years. The people reading these ads were housewives and me. These were some of the things I hoped to buy there (and mostly never did) when I was about 9 to 11 years old. Please to enjoy.

Aw, man, who wouldn't want a cool swan that magically changed colors with the weather, hopefully helping you to convince your mother that a blizzard was coming and it would be imprudent to go to school?

I think for many years I pretty much wanted to be a tiger. I grew my nails out so I could have "claws," which disturbed my parents and rightly so, in retrospect. These deluxe tiger sox would've been a good bargaining chip from my parents to get me to cut my weird disgusting nails.

My idea here was to get name tapes that read "Marianne Cat." This idea was not indulged.

Around this time, copper bracelets became a thing, and I did actually get one. It was heavy and turned green. I also got myself copper wire rim glasses, thinking HEY, I am DIFFERENT because they aren't gold or silver or black! What a rebel!

Just like Homer Simpson, I WANTED THE DRINKING BIRD! I think my dad snared one from a bar and I was happy as could be until the cat got ahold of it.

"MAAAAAM, why can't WE have a snazzy Scandinavian phone???" 

Now, you know and I know that the first thing you think of when you see "WE PRINT ANYTHING" is "WILL THEY PRINT THE WORD 'SHIT'?" I never had the nerve to try it, although I truly wish I had.

I wanted to get this and put it in my room as a passive-aggressive snark to my dad, a Salem smoker. Again, no nerve.

Oh, I wanted these REAL bad! My Grandpa Ollie had a big pool and I wanted to do a Mod Jesus and walk on the pool water with these and be AWESOME. What could go wrong?

I loved star anything, and star-studded anything I could -- shoes, jeans, jackets, purses. But I didn't ever have 15 bucks so instead dreamed my dreamy dreams that some prepubescent boyfriend that looked like David Cassidy would notice my love of stars and buy this for me. HA HA. 

The only thing I ever wanted to do with this was make posters of rock bands.

I believe it was mandatory to own this poster or a variant thereof in 1973. I got mine from Scholastic Books.

Of course I wanted a money-vomiting fish purse! DUH!

And finally, take note, crafty people: make these in time for next year's festival boho fashion season and cash IN. I had one, and it went very well with my brown suede fringed skirt, the latter of which I still have. 

Still think the drinking bird is SO COOL.