(I couldn't be more proud and excited to have worked on this
post with none other than my oldest son, Evan Spellman -- he did the explosive
write-up and I took the photos! Thank you, Evan! Workplace readers and
sensitive souls {like me}, please note: a few of the images near the end of the
post are very graphic and display some pretty shocking and gory stuff... and
also there is quite a large fake phallus being tossed about indiscriminately.
PS. Everyone is A-OK now, so don't worry! -- Marianne)
The Backyard Bunkhouse BBQ Brawl & Rock n’ Wrestling
Rager turned Sisters & Brothers Bar into Lovers & Fighters last Saturday
with electrifying performances and devastating dropkicks. One full year in the
making, rock n' roll World Champions Stallion hosted the event, uniting punk
rock and wrestling for an unforgettable day of champ-class, top-flight
entertainment, powered by the good folks at Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and ending
in a wild, end-times battle that Seattle will not soon, if ever, forget.
The rager got rolling just as fast as the brews when Bad Saint stepped into the 12'-high steel stage-cage and kicked off the
festivities. Harmonizing vocals, blazing keyboard action, chord-driven punk
rock, and a strange yet fascinating hatred of the Eastside suburb of Issaquah
filled the air – peculiarly and perfectly complimentary to the hot dogs and hot
weather that came with it.
(Click on the photos to enlarge, and click on the Flickr set
links to see more!)
No sooner did the band exit from the cage when the infamous
Chango Bronson showed up with trainer and legendary wrestler Kevin “The
Taskmaster” Sullivan. His bad attitude and piercing gaze sent shockwaves
through the crowd as chants from supporters and dissenters alike could be heard
over the sound of the planes overhead landing at Boeing Field across the way.
The Northwest Alliance had a show of force as fans flocked
to the ring and were met by the Mercenary Response Team. The Psychotic One and
Tank Tyson scoured the Georgetown grounds, shaking hands, kissing (21+) babies,
and displaying their SCW Tag Team Championship belts, letting everyone know
what time it really was.
As Seattle's own hard-rock heroes Donzis walked past the
ring, clad in their finest Miami-wear, Chango shot them a look as he walked by.
Villainous. Chilling. To lesser men? Demoralizing. But Donzis, unfazed by the
intimidation tactics, took the cage and delivered blisteringly fast
riff-driven-rock that made even the strongest among us buckle to our knees and
rethink if 2 beers were enough. The Iceman’s high-pitched wails shook the
windows of cars passing by and caused fans to toss whatever they could at the
cage in a half-rage-, half-reverence-filled show of emotion.
Stallion frontman and champion deluxe Luscious Luke
delivered a stern finger and even sterner words as Donzis delivered their last
face-melting anthem, brushing past the carrion-masked mystery men of Future Shock as they traded spots in the cage.
Not long after the duo finished their first song, an enigmatic R&B ballad laced with intricate synths and popping techno beats, a grim
reality was faced. The future, being far too shocking, caused an electrical
disturbance that disqualified the men from continuing their sure-to-be
awe-inspiring set.
With Pabst overflowing in the gut of every brother &
sister, the MC took to the cage and beckoned any brave belcher to prove their
worth and let the world hear their power. Five contestants took the stage but
after the attempts it was clear that two reigned supreme over all others. Mr.
Drink Wisconsinbly (right on, eh - Ed.) and Ms. No Tolerance For Rape Culture
(definitely so right on - Ed.) moved on to the much-anticipated belching
championships later that night.
As the burping beauties left the cage, the illustrious Hot
Hands Mendoza took to the ring, embracing the crowd and heating up the former
Sisters and Brothers parking lot by way of his hot-pink flame spandex and fiery
attitude. The crowd beckoned the challenger to show his face as the current NWA
Rock & Roll Champs Stallion dragged the beastly Frankenhess to the ring by
his steel chains. Nothing was said by the champs, but the act alone told
everyone that if they could handle this monster, they could handle anyone
coming for their belt.
As Frankenhess played to the crowd, the announcers took to
the heavens in the Skytron 2000, a cherry picker that was decommissioned after
being ruled too dangerous to assist in getting any more cats out of trees.
In mere seconds after the bell rang, we could see that
Stallion were not the only ones who could handle Frankenhess. Hot Hands Mendoza
laid the palm of justice all over Frankenhess from beginning to end. Delivering
shoulders into the solar plexus, leg drops to the chest, and bouncing the
goblin-faced goon from rope-to-rope, Mendoza made easy work of his opponent and
took home the first win of the evening.
Just as a bloodied and beaten Frankenhess was carried off,
the Mercenary Response Team took to the ring to smack talk incumbent champion
Chango Bronson. “I’ve got your fight right here,” bellowed The Psychotic One,
which was met with a look of disgust from Bronson and a claim that he had real
fights to take on, instead of the chump change that was being laid out in front
of him. Despite the clamoring back and forth between the two, what had to be
focused upon was the lauded double bull rope match between the MRT and their
challengers, Asis No Warranty and a man who could only be known as the
emaciated Darth Vader.
The men were linked to their competitors by bull ropes as
thick as the tension in the air. But not moments after the ref stepped in the
ring, who shared an eerily similar resemblance to famed wrestler Paul Cerberus,
the challengers rocked the MRT with some cheap shots. It was clear the much
undersized Asis and Darth were going to have to pull off all the cheap shots in
the book to take on Tank and Psychotic One. The ref, unable to give a shit, let
the MRT be thrown outside of the ring over and over. Barricades remained
useless as the men plunged into the crowd and it looked like the champs would
need a medical response team themselves.
Despite the close battle, the Mercenary Response Team showed
why they were the champs and took action against the skeleton that was Mr.
Vader. He was thrown all around the ring like a rag doll and ended up being the
primary cause of loss. Asis No Warranty, a close friend of Chango Bronson, was
incensed, as was the crowd.
As the reigning champs exited the stage, Bronson came to
dispose of the long-haired semi-corpse. Boos reigned down as Chango taunted the
wrestler, the announcers, the crowd, and one fan in particular whom he pushed
over a hay bale as he made his way off.
Soon after the bearded fan made his way back to his feet,
the undercard match between Ian Bear and Paul Cerberus got underway as both men
clawed their way into the ring and started to brawl. An anticipated match in a
best of five, Cerberus was up two sets to none and sought to put the Bear into
hibernation. A good old-fashioned slobber knocker saw both men being thrown
from corner to corner, posts shuddering at the force. Shoulders, knees, elbows,
even an ass or two was levied upon the enemy with the force of freight train.
Ultimately, Ian Bear tossed Cerberus to the mat like a fine
fat Pacific Northwest salmon and pinned him down under his paws, securing the
win and a surprise invitation to join the Mercenary Response Team. Accepting
the offer, the newly-formed trio exited the stage as cheers and beers rained
down.
With even more PBR in them, our two contenders for the
belching contest championship made their way back into the cage and got ready
to unleash their gaseous gall upon the citizens of Seattle. With a rib cage the
size of a hundred-year-old tree trunk, the first challenger took the microphone
and let out a formidable rumble. However, this couldn’t compare to the seemingly-endless
sonic boom that was levied by the lady in white as she shook the bleachers with
a belch that could best be described as thunderous. The crowd offered an
equally-loud roar of applause and congratulations.
While one champion exited the cage, a few cocky hopefuls
made a strutting, swaggering entrance. Pink Parts, led by the Ray-Ban-clad,
caped, and surly vocalist Nicki, filed into the cage as bassist Denise gave
Stallion a crystal-clear message: “Is Luscious Luke around here? 'Cause we’re
gonna grab you by your golden locks and ride you like a carnival ride,
motherfucka!”
With that, it was on. Pink Parts delivered what was up to
this point the most galvanizing performance of the night. Belting out insults
and fighting words that were only outdone by the notes Nicki powered off, the
entire crowd made its way to the cage; grabbing it, throwing things at it, even
The Iceman of Donzis climbed the cage to feel the power.
Denise attempted to deliver blow after blow to the egos of
Stallion, calling out Mr. Dynamite in the rudest of fashions after each song.
The antagonization came to a head when Hollywood Capponi came to the aid of his
bandmate's good name and bludgeoned the cage with the bull-and-cowbell rope,
hurling challenges to the band. Luscious Luke even interrupted his hot dog
dinner to respond to the brutal verbal battering.
This hardly slowed down Pink Parts as they powered through
their catalog, "Bandana" being a standout, as the crowd pushed their
way past barricades to get a better look at the challengers' contention. Nicki
levied insult upon insult at the top of her lungs towards the champs, whipping
the crowd into a commotion, while the shredding guitar team of Jodi and Miki
locked into the relentless beats of drummer Stubz, the combined effort surely
forcing Stallion to realize that keeping their title as Rock n' Roll Champions
would be no easy task.
A burst of primal punk was felt across the entire south side
as passengers from planes above looked down to wonder what the hell was going
on. Dildo-whippin’ and beer hoistin’, the challengers left the cage and
cemented themselves as fiercely formidable opponents. Could Stallion retaliate?
We would have to wait to find out because just as Pink Parts
stepped out, the luxurious and radiant
"Romantic" Romeo Ramirez stepped up. A free-use version of the
backing track to "Careless Whisper" caressed the ears of the assembled
as Ramirez admired himself in a 24-karat gold mirror, pressing a bouquet of
roses against his purple velour robe; undoubtedly a gift from one of his
millions of admirers.
After making his way around the ring to make sure every man
and woman could see what true beauty looked like, Romeo climbed the ropes,
confident that the world recognized him as the gift that we were all given,
undoubtedly through divine intent.
Unamused by this tomfoolery, the incumbent champion and
antihero Chango “The Limb Reaper” Bronson made his way towards the ring. Caped
in a battered leather jacket and adorned with a mask fit for an executioner who
makes side-money as a gimp, Bronson, The Taskmaster, and Asis No Warranty
surveyed the crowd before he bounded into the ring.
The Champ quickly took Romeo to the corner, pushing aside
the frail referee to the delight of the Skytron announcers. Not to be outdone,
Romeo stunningly countered Chango and beat him down with a number of elbows,
hurting the champ and causing him to go on the defensive. The crowd erupted as
the hero of all humankind blew kisses to the ladies and asked for his bouquet.
Just when Chango thought that Romeo had lost focus, he leapt towards him, only
to be countered by the rare dozen-rose clothesline, sending him flat on his
back. Showing the resilience of a true champion, he refused to stay pinned down
and reversed the situation on Romeo, bludgeoning him and using his patented arm
break to tear at the very fibers of Romeo’s brachioradialis.
With the referee unable to stop the vengeance of Chango it
was unclear who would be able to save Romeo from what looked to be a potential
medical emergency. As the crowd poured its attention onto the mat, cries for
help were head from adoring fans, and with impeccable timing a masked figure
arose from the stands. It was no other than famed Seattle Superhero Phoenix Jones, a longtime friend of Chango Bronson and a hero to many in these parts.
Jones slid onto the mat and bought time for Romeo to escape
with some aid and tried to reason with Chango, pleading with him, as a brother,
that winning like this would discredit him as a champion. It seemed that Chango
was being persuaded when out of nowhere came a betrayal the likes of which
hasn’t been seen since Brutus and Caesar. Chango delivered a rocket of a punch
to the dome of Phoenix Jones, knocking his mask off. Security attempted to get
involved but was cast aside by the enraged Bronson. Blow after blow was
delivered to our hero and stagehands had to cover him up to avoid any more harm
being done, as Chango took the mic and reminded everyone he was still the
champ, no matter how much they don’t like him, also – to buy his shirts.
With the venue enraged, excited, confused, and pumped full
of adrenaline, Luscious Luke took that moment to climb to the top of the cage,
and like lightening sent down from Zeus, the crack of his bullwhip signaled
that the real main event was about to start. Stallion, the world rock n' roll
champs, were here to rock.
Busting into their retaliation not just for what had
happened in the wrestling ring but for the vicious slandering done by Pink
Parts, Stallion started on the top rope and had no interest in touching that
mat. Devastating suplexes of rock greatness were imposed upon the rowdy masses.
Scores of cans of beer were hurled to the cage, many of which bounded over the
very top and pelted the champs as they tore Pink Parts five new ones.
Unperturbed by the chaos they themselves had incited with songs like "Tag
Team Action," "Double Bull Rope Massacre," and "Chair
Shot," and unimpressed by Kevin “The Taskmaster” Sullivan’s attempts to
get in the cage to show the boys who was really in charge, Stallion continued
showed why they were the men to beat.
Not but a few moments later did they see the results of
their astonishing act. Furious that a loss was inevitable, the members of Pink
Parts stormed the stage. Bursting past security and unlocking the gate, they
exacted their revenge on Mr. Dynamite, Hollywood Capponi, and Luscious Luke,
pushing them down, and taking their frustration out in hideous ways. Nobody had
seen The Taskmaster sneak in behind until he had slammed Luscious Luke against
the cage in front of hundreds of Stallion's adoring fans and brutally sliced
his head open, causing a wound the size of the Grand Canyon to erupt from his
cranium. Blood poured down Luscious's anguished face in pulsing red rivers,
soaking the stage and shorting out the electrical system as the rioters were
pulled off the boys.
While Pink Parts and The Taskmaster had succeeded in their
attempts to bring retribution to Stallion, they were well aware they had lost
this battle. Hollywood Capponi held the championship belt high into the evening
sky as his fallen bandmate received expert medical attention, and exclaimed
that this is why Stallion are the champs: you can bloody them up, you can try
to take them out, but they will never be defeated.
© Copyright 2008- Marianne Spellman